this musing is inspired by the word ‘fantasy.’

i keep waiting for words to come to me when i’m writing today. however, from what i’ve learned in my time as a writer, you have to go looking for your words. they’re hiding, and you have to lure them out- you must seek them. otherwise, you’ll never find them.

this is the line between talent and work.

sometimes the words you find will be better than the ones your neighbor finds- but he is better at finding them than you are. we can always improve the lot we get, and the frequency in which we find words, through practice.

thus, if you desire to be a respectable writer, you must go on word hunts every day, finding the optimum hiding spots and the ultimate hunting techniques.

may 1 | thoughts

thoughts from the rocky shore of cayuga lake.

this weekend we drove through the countryside, following the blue gray lake for miles while listening to our favorite tunes. we explored fields of dandelions and wildflowers and dipped our toes in the water. we tasted ice cream and were kissed by the sun as we held hands in seneca falls. it was a truly whimsical day. it felt completely unreal- like something that only happens in road movies and artful memoirs. but now i know that it’s more than that- it’s life, and we are living it, right now, in the present. it is ours to create and treasure. terri, thank you for the memories. i’ll see you soon.

may 14 | about 10 am |

It’s mid morning and I’m taking a break from my hike to document this moment. The birds are singing and the air is crisp and cool. I am sweating, beads rolling down, kissing my hairline and the backs of my ears. All around me is green green green and I feel free free free in my nature bubble. I feel very alive. This morning, in my solitude, as I allow my mind to wander, I remember what it’s like to wake up to the sun gracing my cheeks in my bedroom with pink carpet. As I catch my breath in the present, I recall a Mother’s Day spent in a garden with flowers of ever color under the moon spread before us- an ocean of rainbows, as cliche as it may seem. Breathing in the mid-may air, I feel peace. I feel all of the rumblings and fears inside of my exhale, settle and quiet. It’s time to keep moving.

musings 6.15.17

i wonder what it’s like to live in a big city. even in the city of ithaca, i feel small. i’m such a little dot in this place. i look up from my seat outside the coffee shop and see windows upon windows of people who have lives right next to each other. some people don’t even know their neighbors names. two people could be meant for each other and not know it. they could always be missing each other when they’re getting their mail, or doing their laundry… and then one day meet miles away from home. 

it looks as if it may rain. i had better take this inside somewhere. but what if this calm disappears? it never seems to transfer when i’m typing or on the internet, i’m not ready to go. it doesn’t seem i have a choice. 

incomplete. musings.

beer man is now cigar man. he got real mad at a lady who was running her engine while we sat nearby at outdoor tables. i personally didn’t mind. i wonder if he’d share his cigarette. 

my mind feels quieter. i wonder why. perhaps this is what they mean by writing is therapy. but didn’t i already know that? 

i feel like i’m writing to please a specific audience. but these writings are mostly for myself- i have no audience. so why is there a filter on my words? 

i wonder if writers tend to memorize their own words. sometimes i do that. not always though- sometimes i forget what i wrote instantly and am shocked to learn i am the author. 

6.15.17 V

DOWNTOWN ITHACA

DOWNTOWN SAN ANTONIO

12:48 and i’m alone

alone

alone

alone

alone

alone

baby, without you i’m 

alone.

writing is therapy to me

therapy is shitty to me

like i said baby i’m drowning

suffering

struggling

how do i bounce back from this?

how do i bounce back from this?

HOW DO I BOUNCE BACK FROM THIS?

this isn’t poetry. this is a goddamn mess.

how do i bounce back from this?

6.15.17 IV

baby i need you to be strong for me because on a day like today i can’t be that girl. i can’t be that strong girl you love. i’m just a sliver of that woman you fell in love with. baby look at my script. it’s fading. it’s falling apart. i can’t be what you need because i’m struggling to be myself. everything’s a concept everything’s a struggle and a pain and it hurts it hurts baby

it 

hurts

how do you move on from this- i’d love to know because everything is a blue and i’m so numb i can’t hold on much longer

baby

i’m drowning

save me, i need a savior. it’s you. 

don’t you know i need you more than these selfish words can explain? don’t you know i need to hold your hand and hear you say my name? 

baby

i’m drowning