the sound of the pulling of the waves

have you ever watched the ocean pull the water from within itself to create a wave? 

i’m about to show you what that sounds like. 

inside of me there are words that i can’t seem to get out no matter how hard i SLAM my keyboard. i’ve tried caressing every letter and i’ve tried hammering it to the ground. 

i’ve set journals on fire and i’ve torn my paintings to shreds but it’s still not good enough for them, for you. i know you love me anyway but baby this hurts. 

i can’t wipe your tears from new york. 

another texas summer, more texas heat. 

my keyboard falls apart beneath my fingers as i write you love letters, one after another, until my mornings become evenings become mornings. do you know that i love you? (sometimes i think you don’t know)

why is this not enough? why is a stuffed animal drenched in your perfume not enough to satisfy me? why do i need your skin beneath my hands? 

baby love is new to me, i have to admit. i’ve never loved anyone before you. unless you count cats. i don’t think you count cats. 

WHY CAN’T I HIT THESE KEYS HARD ENOUGH?

NOTHING

IS

ENOUGH. 

MAYBE IF I WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS I WILL FEEL A SENSE OF RELEASE. I THINK IT’S WORKING, BABY. 

I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO SCREAM IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST WITH YOU BY MY SIDE BECAUSE YOU’LL BE THERE TO HOLD ME WHILE I CRY AFTERWARDS. 

I NEED TO BE ALONE BUT I NEED TO BE ALONE WITH YOU. 

MY ART 

ISN’T

GOOD ENOUGH.

PEOPLE GO TO SCHOOL FOR THIS SHIT, PEOPLE MAKE A LIVING OFF OF THIS SHIT.

BUT I AM A FOOL WHO RUNS ABOUT WITH A CAMERA AND HAS THE AUDACITY TO THINK SHE’S AN ARTIST. AS THOUGH SHE IS ABOVE THE GENERAL POPULATION, FOR HAVING IDEAS THAT REMAIN IDEAS AND CANNOT EVEN MAKE IT ONTO A NOTEBOOK PAGE. 

BABY I NEED YOU BAD. I NEED YOU IN MY BED. I NEED YOU OUT OF MY HEAD.

BABY I NEED YOU BAD. I NEED YOU IN MY BED. I LIED. PLEASE STAY IN MY HEAD. I DID IT FOR THE RHYME. 

BABY WHY DID YOU HESITATE? 

IS THIS SOMETHING DEEPER – WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE OF ME? WHY DOES THIS FEEL SO ANGRY? WHY DOES THIS FEEL SO RAW? 

I AM PULLING MY HAIR OUT OF MY SECOND DAY PONYTAIL AND I AM SCRUBBING THE MASCARA SMEARS FROM UNDER MY EYES AND CALLING MYSELF PRETTY. 

DO YOU THINK I’M PRETTY? 

i feel numb.

i think it worked baby. i think this is the sea foam after the crash. baby, did you like my wave? 

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