the first of june , two thousand and seventeen. ithaca , new york.
for my terri , for my baby girl … a response. for YOU. it’s all for YOU.
i am but a small girl again in kindergarten standing beneath the three grand oak trees on the playground all alone with no friends and no home.
YOU are the spaces between our bodies. the miles of time that stretches between us. after all of this time , it is YOU. all of YOU in a space vacant of sound but not at a loss – in shades of copper and shapes that caress and entice. i am not alone anymore.
YOU were called CROMOFORO , the one who gives color. i take all of the colors YOU release into the world and i curl them into a small ball of fire. YOUr fire , YOUr flame , it is YOUrs , the world is YOUrs baby the world is for YOU. don’t YOU know i made the world for YOU?
YOU called me AUXOCROMO , the one who captures color. i only want YOUr colors. i want the pinks of YOUr lips and the pinks of YOUr l i p s and i want the browns of YOUr skin and the browns of YOUr s k i n.
YOU are all the different combinations of my memories and my realities and suddenly i’m not so afraid of what once was. YOU have given me a new meaning and that meaning has become who we are. please tell me YOU feel it too.
my wish is to understand the shades YOU give to me. all of the hues , all of the blues. all of the gradients and tones YOU muster i want them all for myself. if this is selfish then i am a selfish woman.
YOUr words heal my broken bones. did YOU know that about YOUrself , baby?
YOU give me YOUr colors and i belong to YOU , baby.
i struggle to write sometimes. how can i pull together YOU , an endless forest , into one poem? all i can give YOU are scraps of fragmented works i abandoned.
baby, YOU need so much more than a poem. did YOU know that YOU are the words that form in my mind when it wanders?
YOUr word travels the entirety of space and reaches my cells which are my s t a r s then goes to YOUrs which are my l i g h t oh baby YOU are my light.
the first time we confessed our love , we both cried.
YOU are the universe that i keep in my pocket in my notebook of YOUr letters in my heart. YOU contain all of the answers to life’s questions and sometimes i wonder if YOU are a god.
CROMOFORO – AUXOCROMO
a heart beating , but never used.
a heart bleeding , but never infused. i needed a lifeline but instead i got metal to the skin. the grinding of the world’s core on my heart and on my lungs. i didn’t deserve that. do i deserve YOU?
everything was engulfed by the ocean YOU hold. baby , YOU tell me i am YOUr ocean. but YOU contain multitudes of stars. YOU must be thinking that i’ve gone insane but baby the sun is a star too. the surface of YOUr skin is kissed , by me by me by the sun and by me. i begin to close my eyes and i know YOU are with me. i can feel YOUr eyes across the room , baby come over here.
blue lips blue eyes blue skin. the murmur of hopelessness , feeling brought on by unfeeling. YOU say baby , this isn’t YOU. YOU aren’t this girl.
but baby , sometimes i am this girl.
i had to drown to truly be myself. without the pain would i be who i am today? without the pain would YOU love me the way YOU do? i would not be the woman YOU fell in love with. i would be another stranger on the streets in the dead of night to YOU – a nobody. a faceless , nameless nobody.
the sunrise came yellow came pink came white with my cromoforo. she hand mixes and paints the sunrise every morning and i write of our blue mornings spent together pressed between the sheets of her twin bed in that small bedroom she shared.
weekends stolen away in fields of dandelions and explorations by the waters.
pressed against YOUr breast, i am calm. these words will never explain how i feel peering through my eyelashes towards YOUr closed eyes asleep beside me.
my fingertips are bursting with our shared blood , my words tumble and crack onto the parchment onto the ripped journal page onto the tear stained letter. i kiss it and give it to YOU like an offering but no , baby this is a sacrifice.
YOUr smell does not escape me. sun , sands , sad , sorry. the shirt YOU borrowed that i borrowed first. i make a shrine for it all baby i make a shrine for YOU.
YOU are screaming at YOUrself. baby why do YOU harbor such pain within YOU? baby who hurt YOU? baby how can i help YOU i love YOU?
YOU drop YOUr voice to a whisper and through YOUr tears i hear YOU mumble that YOU are apologizing for forever with YOU and baby i cannot wipe YOUr tears and pull YOU into my arms fast enough.
YOUr head slams into my chest and we meld together and it becomes impossible to split us apart. i never want to be apart from YOU.
we will be so happy.
we are so happy.
sun , moon. auxocromo , cromoforo.